It’s been awhile since i’ve been back. I haven’t had much to say…but this is definitely something to speak of.

Boys. Being on this high and just contemplating about the possibilities of what i can mesh with, what i can see myself with, what can keep me happy…. just some things that come to mind:

-A supporter. I want someone to be there supporting me doing what i love..dancing. Someone who would watch my performances. A common interest. Dancer or not. I can’t have someone who doesnt have the same interest in what i think makes the world go roung.

-A risktaker. Someone who would take a leap regardless of if they make it to the other side or fall into something deep. Someone who can take a risk and share their feelings with me. It’s easy to keep something to yourself but i want to be able to be given the chance to understand someone. A person who can take a risk and open up to me and take a chance to trust me with their secrets. If you can take a risk liking me and getting to know me, you can definitely take a step on the wild side called love.

-A leader in control of their own life. Go somewhere. Keep going with school. Strive to be the best. Use everything you possibly can, mind, body and soul. Someone who doesn’t settle for less but goes further. Have dreams and aspirations. Have goals and determination. I have a dream, plenty. Share a dream with me. 

I can take a risk. I can try my best. I will be me. I will not hide who i am but open up to you when i can admit that you are an interest to me. I can’t read your mind but i can try to understand who you are and where you’re coming from. Sometimes i second guess things but i am down to give it try, once or twice. My mind is fixed..on doing me. Let me add you to my plans, my schedule, my life and my heart.

“B e s t f r i e n d s has 11 letters, but so does b a c k s t a b b e r.”

Clearly, i got my handful.

I missssss Joaniiiiiiiieeee!! Come back home to me already =]

A new scene. A new phase. A new Me.

Accepted. Now living it.

Owning it. Doing me and that’s EXACTLY how it’s supposed to be. My mind is back on track. My goals are reset. My priorities readjusted. But for now….it’s just time to break free. Let loose. Relax. A “Breathe, stretch, shake, let it go” kinda season. I feel good. I can honestly say that i don’t think i’m suffocating anymore… i’m taking in fresh air. Thinking about my future in the next couple months.

School… gotta get back on track. Summer school isn’t an option this summer. Time to put myself back on that 5 year plan. Friends. They are starting to reveal who they really are and i’m slowly  finding my real ones again. Not sad. Not happy but relieved that i know who not to waste my time with anymore. Time is valuable and they just aren’t up to par to be apart of my life.

Roomies. I love em. i really do. My half of the year with them has been real interesting. Seriously. Couple months, we’re all going to go our separate ways. Kinda sad to think about, but it’s going to come quick. Kristina: She is one of the strongest girls i know. She goes through a lot, deals a lot in her love life and i can’t imagine putting myself in her situation. I’ve slightly been in her heels before and i lost myself. She holds her head up high and continues. I just hope she’s happy with her life overall. She deserves so much more than what she gets or what’s in front of her. She has so much potential. i just hope she takes every opportunity given to her because everything and anything is an experience. You can never grow without putting  yourself where you feel most insecure. I love this girl to death and she is definitely someone i want to keep with me all my life and as close as possible. We are twins…<3  Huyen: She is one hella of a hilarious girl. We can have the most intense conversations. She is an asian SUPERWOMAN. Always doing the most she can and always puts her 110%. She does things that someone wouldn’t necessarily consider because they don’t believe in themselves but this woman takes initiative and gives everything her all. She is completely amazing. She is dating someone across the states and even if it does or doesn’t work, to put your heart out in the open and risk anything through it is something i truly admire. She is always down to do anything and especially if it is out of the norm. I know that when i need a moment to be productive or a simple talk, she’s always there..waiting for me in her bed. =]. Louis: Sigh, this boy. First guy i ever had something with and actually lived with them. We have had our ups and downs, awkward moments and definitely memories to always think about. i appreciate him for offering his cooking which rarely happens and his offers to take me to work/bart/picking me up etc. He really taught me things that i never really considered as much in my life. He is one funny guy with a crazy laugh. Sometimes too crazy but i’ll always remember him for that. If you ever do read this, i’m sorry i couldn’t be that perfect guy for you. Just know that i am always gonna be here for you when you need someone to talk to or just need someone to be there. Our friendship, roommateship(?), and our connection was a bit closed and we never really knew what was going on in each other’s lives. You’re a really secretive person and it was hard to get things out of you. I accepted it. I never really wanted you to know my problems, i just wanted you to be present when i needed it. But it’s ok. I value our friendship i just hope that you find the guy that will treat you right because it’s not me. I’m sorry for that. Lastly, Nikko. This girl has been with me and i’ve been stuck with her since day 1. Too many memories, fights, disagreements, arguments and drunken moments with her. It’s been nice to see her grow but she still is in the process. I am thankful for you always cooking for me. Taking care of me when i’m sick and drunk. Dealing with my bull.I know i’m not the best of friends but i am one of the best to come to when you want the truth and need someone most. You are one of a kind. Truly. There is no words that can really express our friendship but abusive.=] hahah. But we shall see what happens.

I think it’s time for me to go my separate way. My time for growth. I want to use everything i’ve been learning and teaching and apply to new aspects and adventures in my life. I’m saying goodbye to this chapter soon enough and starting my next novel. I don’t exactly know where i want my life to lead me anymore but anywhere with bliss and happiness is fine with me. If i could steer life to a certain direction though, i’d want the bay winds to blow me back to where my family is. I miss them. I feel like there’s an empty place in my heart that only get’s filled by them. Just sad that every time i see them it’s hours winding down to my trip back to SF and not days, weeks, months. I thought about moving home and make everything easier on all of us…but i won’t be happy. Selfish as it sounds, i can’t put my happiness at risk. I’ve been depressed before and i felt like life was on pause and i was stuck in Limbo. I’m not lost, i’m definitely on the move to somewhere in my life. i just don’t know which direction to take. I’ll just keep going until i find my next pitstop.

Accepting it for what it is. I can’t point fingers. I can only blame myself. I let my emotions fuck with me and get me in a craze. I know what i want. I know what i need. But i mix with what’s right for me..and what’s right in front of me. I can’t get jealous. i just can’t let that happen. I accept it and i can move on. On that new breath of fresh air. Time to grasp a new outlook on life. Hopefully this is my moment.

Time to let go of some people in my life. Time to get rid of bad energy and individuals who will just continue bringing me down. Negativity is supposed to be balanced…cause a mutual connection between others. Time to let go of bad habits. It’s time for changes. To improve myself. To improve my life. Change is something that i accept very well in my life but when it comes to friendships, it takes a toll on me. I miss the way me and someone i hold close had an interesting connection. One of those that you can say and do whatever it was, regardless of anger or how happy you were, it was genuine. I have never found a time where i felt i needed to hibernate and hide from life. Had an intimate, emotional and eye opening conversation with my roommate today. I find myself catching my breath and trying to keep up with life rather than actually living it. So much is going on and all i can do is gasp for air. I’m slowly finding myself losing grasp of what is in my life and what is and will happen to me. I control what goes in and out of my life but i don’t have control of what happens. I can only guide myself in certain directions hoping i pick the best ones for myself. I don’t want to take shortcuts. If i fail, lesson learned. If i pass, then damn i got some goo tactics. I just wish people who have got on my Cut list, didn’t make it on there. I’m sleepy. Gnite.

I don’t do well when i am not the only one on someone’s mind. When i am into someone, i want to be the only person who can make them feel a certain way. Not a plan B when plan A isn’t treating them right. I do what i want because i no i have no strings attached. On the other hand, you may have some and it’s  you cut them off or you cut me. I hold people i choose close to my heart and others inside. I feel like every guy i have ever wanted to pursue or have something with has really fucked me over with some new crazy situation every single time. I am waiting for the day to meet someone who has nothing following them, nothing hitting them up, nothing to hide from me but only show me what true love is all about. I don’t hide in the shadows for someone to notice me. I don’t spark up a scene when they are around. I do make my presence noticeable and hope you realize im there. I am not your typical downe boy who wants to find someone who wouldn’t cheat on them. i am your rare guy who is just looking to be treated right and deserves what’s given to them.

It’s really funny when you get to know someone, befriend, have a strong connection with them that it causes you to always be on good terms. It’s even funnier and interesting when you have a disagreement, conflict or some insignificant situation. You see them on a different level, sometimes lower, and you seem them for who they really are. I have to come to see you don’t know how people are until you encounter a problem in your friendship. The game face is on and you meet the real them. I question my friendship and what i thought of them but i will never neglect them as a friend. I will contemplate on who they are and who i thought they would be. Friends or foes? Acquaintances? Never know until it happens. Till then, i question your status, i question your identity and i question my trust with you.

I am in such a contemplative sad mood. I think about everything i held away from myself just to keep myself contained and restrained. I gave up on a lot of opportunities to keep myself sane. I dare myself to go for things i’m not used to but i never seem to let myself go crazy over love. That is something that my mind is weary of getting lost in. I’ve lost myself in it…. and i lost my reason to fall for anyone. It seems easy to crush and infatuate over someone…but it’s hard to keep interest. It’s hard feeling for someone when you know they aren’t your perfect. Do you continue? Do you go just to see where it leads? Are you wasting time? What do i get out of this? The title of heartbroken or the heartbreaker? Something i stress over but in silence. When will i give myself the opportunity to let myself go? When i find someone worth it? How do i know when i don’t let anyone in far enough? So much stuff to think about but it’s difficult when you have so many other aspects and goals in life you want to achieve first. Is love a reward or a scavenger hunt? I am in need for answers. I am in need for that special something. Someone sweep me off my feet. Someone do what i don’t expect someone to go out of their way for me. Love is something everyone wants and expects to happen to them. Something that finds them and just overbearing to take in and just eats you up. I needa rob some love.